Drained

It was a draining weekend, the kids had their visit with their father and although Friday night was long and hard because I was trying to calm Mason's fears. Laken did not know how to react when she heard she was going to see her dad she said "I have a daddy? Yeah I get to see my daddy! What is my daddy's name?" we all laughed and I said "what do you think your daddy's name is?" She said "I don't know maybe Morgan." So I had to set her straight so that she did not go into her visit calling him someone else's name. Mason was a nervous wreck and it took everything I had to play this visit up that it would be so much fun, blah, blah GAG!!!! So the big day came Mason was still a wreck he asked if he could "just call the judge and tell him that he did not want to see his father." wow if only it were that easy. So I held back my emotions and tears as I dropped my kids off on the curb with some stranger (the supervisor) who I was suppose to entrust my precious children with. I watched as they hesitantly walked into the building and then the flood gates opened up. Those of you who called and took my text messages when I was going off about how this stupid system was BS thank you!!!!

My family kept me busy with making me help move my grandma but, I have to say those were the longest few hours of my life. I picked the kids up and they said they had fun and "daddy was so nice he took us and bought a happy meal for us for lunch." Hmmm as I painted the smile on my face and hide my eyes behind my sunglasses I said "Oh that is great I'm so happy you had so much fun with him." Meanwhile I want to scream and yell because he buys them a damn happy meal and now he is father of the freaking year!!!! I truly got to learn what the term "Disneyland Dad" was all about. So then of course I had my own personal struggle with am I a horrible person? I should be happy it went well? But, instead I was sitting there thinking I know the true Paul I know he can put on a really good act HELLO he acted for 7 years of our marriage! So maybe it is because of my own past experience but, I can't help but think eventually this will end and their little hearts will be broken and I can not stand the idea of having to let them build him up just so that he can break them down again?

Anyways my best friend Linz' said it will be interesting to see how the kids react when the reality of their visit sets in. She was so right! Laken started Saturday night with a tummy ache then a fever. Mason started Sunday with the same thing. Both of them are acting very, very insecure they do not want me to even be in the other room without them? Sunday I had to teach Sharing Time and Mom had to teach Relief Society so poor Laken I had to sit and hold as she was chilling wearing her wool sweater. Not a good combo for me to stand and hold my personal little space heater while I am having a hot flash and teaching primary! So finally once Mom was done with her lesson she took her home. I came home from church to find her passed out on Grandma's chair. She had a rough weekend I would say.

Supervised Visits

So I just have to say the system sucks! Last night I had to go have my "intake" meeting with the supervisor place for Paul to have his visitations. As I sat there waiting for the lady I was to meet with it was in this dark hole of an office and I was a nervous wreck. Of course on the verge of tears I just kept picturing how nerve racking this was going to be for my kids to come to this place? They are suppose to have their first visit on Saturday. I can not even walk them into the building. Literally Paul has to park on one side of the building and arrive 10 min. early then I pull up to the curb on the other side and drop them off at the curb? So tell me how do you teach your 3 year old not to go to strangers and then expect her to go to a complete stranger with no anxiety? I don't understand? I'm trying to stay positive about this one and have had many of you tell me that "maybe this is what Mason will need for closure" or "Paul, will only do this once or twice because he has to pay $50 an hour." I know everyone has meant well by those comments but, that does not seem to help. If he does only show for one or two visits guess what I get to start back at square one with trying to get my kids adjusted to the idea of their father abandoning them AGAIN! It has taken me 2 1/2 years to get Mason especially adjusted to the point that he is today! So I am a bit irritated with this whole thing right now! Thank you to my mom, my good friend Jenn, and Marc who talked to me last night and calmed me down and even made me laugh. You are the best! Funny how I thought when I finally had papers signed this nightmare would be over? This custody, visitation thing is Crap! Even the supervisor last night said that 4 hours for the first visit was way too long! Especially for the 3 year old who still needs a nap during that time of day? She said she was going to try and talk to Paul and see if he will drop it to 2 hours at least for the first week? So this is where we will see if he will think of the kids needs first? Ha Ha, yeah right! He is fighting over 4 hours that he feels he lost last weekend due to the process not being in place. Wants me to give up one of my weekends or a holiday so he can have his 4 hours! Ummm, HELLO? Really you are going to argue over missing 4 hours with them what about the last 2 1/2 years????

Bluffdale Days

So this weekend turned out a bit crazy but, what else is new? Friday, the kids and I went out to be in the Bluffdale City Parade with our old friends & neighbors who had a float. It was fun but, also emotional for me, I was able to see some old friends but, also realized that though I have been able to forgive and forget about somethings that took place during the past few years others have not? So that was a hard pill to swallow. So I went to my friend Jenn's house for a fun little pedicure party she was having. It was good fun to go hang out with the girls.

Saturday night was fun and interesting and of course a little bit of drama thrown in the mix? Jenn and her hubby Adam and some of Jenn's friends from CA and I went to watch our good friend J. Marc Bailey's concert. He did an amazing job. Marc and a group of us all went out to dinner it was so much fun and I had a great time getting to know some new friends.

"I'm going to Marry Christian in a Sparkly Dress"

So for my B-day I got a Camcorder mainly because I did not want to miss out on getting my kids sweet little voices on tape. This is just a little glimpse into my little bouncing spaz babies and Laken telling me about her boyfriend and that she is going to marry him in a sparkly dress. Ugh she is 3 heaven help me when she is 16!!!!!

Fragile

This week has defiantly been a strange one. Had some own personal issues to face and then some issues with some friends that have had to be dealt with. Then found out that a former co-worker and friend who is still very young had a heart attack. Then to hear about a family member of a co-worker who committed suicide so it got me thinking of how truly fragile life is. Sadly I have had to learn this lesson other times in my life as well and that is why I probably get in peoples face a little too much when we have a disagreement? I don't want to have to face those demons again of wishing I would have said "I'm sorry" and worked threw something. Only to find out I no longer have the chance to do so? So to all my friends and family I am sure that I have frustrated you all and ticked you all off probably multiple times in our relationship. I know that we never know if there will even be a tomorrow so I just wanted you all to know that I am sorry for ever causing you pain, frustration, or grief. I love you all and thank you for putting up with me!!!!!

An Amazing Friends Special Concert!

My dear friend "Yennifer" celebrated her birthday today and although today seemed to be a rollercoaster I hope she knows just how truly special she is to all of those she has blessed by way of her friendship. She is IMPOSSIBLE to try and surprise but, we tried our best and we called her good friend Marc to come and serenade her. Marc, and his friends Jeremy & Riley came and put on a fantastic little private concert for all of us at the Scrapbook Retreat. Then after the concert we all had a fantastic "therapy session" that was so much fun. Jenn, I hope you know you have truly touched so many peoples lives and you have a special gift that allows you to be able to help those who are in need of a true friend. WE LOVE YOU!!!! Marc, thank you for agreeing to come you are more than just a "piece of meat" (ha ha) you are a great guy and it will get better I promise. Yennifer stay exactly the way you are you are AMAZING!!!!

Here is just a short clip of our little private concert!!!! Thanks Marc & Jeremy!

FREEDOM

So how fitting is it that even my kids during this period of time get to experience the feeling of feeling free again. As I try to make a fresh start in my own life Mason got the chance to have one as well. Yesterday Mason was able to get his little hulk arm cast removed. Does anybody else feel jipped off about this I remember when I was a kid I had to wear those dirty stinky things for 8 weeks! He only had them for 3!!! Of course I am happy for him because otherwise it would be a long miserable summer having to stare at the pool for 8 weeks. He was so happy to feel free and know that he could now go swimming and start learning how to ride his new bike. Of course little sister had to come along for the fun and was so happy to see her brothers stinky cast gone so was MOM they stunk!!!