Drained

It was a draining weekend, the kids had their visit with their father and although Friday night was long and hard because I was trying to calm Mason's fears. Laken did not know how to react when she heard she was going to see her dad she said "I have a daddy? Yeah I get to see my daddy! What is my daddy's name?" we all laughed and I said "what do you think your daddy's name is?" She said "I don't know maybe Morgan." So I had to set her straight so that she did not go into her visit calling him someone else's name. Mason was a nervous wreck and it took everything I had to play this visit up that it would be so much fun, blah, blah GAG!!!! So the big day came Mason was still a wreck he asked if he could "just call the judge and tell him that he did not want to see his father." wow if only it were that easy. So I held back my emotions and tears as I dropped my kids off on the curb with some stranger (the supervisor) who I was suppose to entrust my precious children with. I watched as they hesitantly walked into the building and then the flood gates opened up. Those of you who called and took my text messages when I was going off about how this stupid system was BS thank you!!!!

My family kept me busy with making me help move my grandma but, I have to say those were the longest few hours of my life. I picked the kids up and they said they had fun and "daddy was so nice he took us and bought a happy meal for us for lunch." Hmmm as I painted the smile on my face and hide my eyes behind my sunglasses I said "Oh that is great I'm so happy you had so much fun with him." Meanwhile I want to scream and yell because he buys them a damn happy meal and now he is father of the freaking year!!!! I truly got to learn what the term "Disneyland Dad" was all about. So then of course I had my own personal struggle with am I a horrible person? I should be happy it went well? But, instead I was sitting there thinking I know the true Paul I know he can put on a really good act HELLO he acted for 7 years of our marriage! So maybe it is because of my own past experience but, I can't help but think eventually this will end and their little hearts will be broken and I can not stand the idea of having to let them build him up just so that he can break them down again?

Anyways my best friend Linz' said it will be interesting to see how the kids react when the reality of their visit sets in. She was so right! Laken started Saturday night with a tummy ache then a fever. Mason started Sunday with the same thing. Both of them are acting very, very insecure they do not want me to even be in the other room without them? Sunday I had to teach Sharing Time and Mom had to teach Relief Society so poor Laken I had to sit and hold as she was chilling wearing her wool sweater. Not a good combo for me to stand and hold my personal little space heater while I am having a hot flash and teaching primary! So finally once Mom was done with her lesson she took her home. I came home from church to find her passed out on Grandma's chair. She had a rough weekend I would say.