Drained

It was a draining weekend, the kids had their visit with their father and although Friday night was long and hard because I was trying to calm Mason's fears. Laken did not know how to react when she heard she was going to see her dad she said "I have a daddy? Yeah I get to see my daddy! What is my daddy's name?" we all laughed and I said "what do you think your daddy's name is?" She said "I don't know maybe Morgan." So I had to set her straight so that she did not go into her visit calling him someone else's name. Mason was a nervous wreck and it took everything I had to play this visit up that it would be so much fun, blah, blah GAG!!!! So the big day came Mason was still a wreck he asked if he could "just call the judge and tell him that he did not want to see his father." wow if only it were that easy. So I held back my emotions and tears as I dropped my kids off on the curb with some stranger (the supervisor) who I was suppose to entrust my precious children with. I watched as they hesitantly walked into the building and then the flood gates opened up. Those of you who called and took my text messages when I was going off about how this stupid system was BS thank you!!!!

My family kept me busy with making me help move my grandma but, I have to say those were the longest few hours of my life. I picked the kids up and they said they had fun and "daddy was so nice he took us and bought a happy meal for us for lunch." Hmmm as I painted the smile on my face and hide my eyes behind my sunglasses I said "Oh that is great I'm so happy you had so much fun with him." Meanwhile I want to scream and yell because he buys them a damn happy meal and now he is father of the freaking year!!!! I truly got to learn what the term "Disneyland Dad" was all about. So then of course I had my own personal struggle with am I a horrible person? I should be happy it went well? But, instead I was sitting there thinking I know the true Paul I know he can put on a really good act HELLO he acted for 7 years of our marriage! So maybe it is because of my own past experience but, I can't help but think eventually this will end and their little hearts will be broken and I can not stand the idea of having to let them build him up just so that he can break them down again?

Anyways my best friend Linz' said it will be interesting to see how the kids react when the reality of their visit sets in. She was so right! Laken started Saturday night with a tummy ache then a fever. Mason started Sunday with the same thing. Both of them are acting very, very insecure they do not want me to even be in the other room without them? Sunday I had to teach Sharing Time and Mom had to teach Relief Society so poor Laken I had to sit and hold as she was chilling wearing her wool sweater. Not a good combo for me to stand and hold my personal little space heater while I am having a hot flash and teaching primary! So finally once Mom was done with her lesson she took her home. I came home from church to find her passed out on Grandma's chair. She had a rough weekend I would say.

Supervised Visits

So I just have to say the system sucks! Last night I had to go have my "intake" meeting with the supervisor place for Paul to have his visitations. As I sat there waiting for the lady I was to meet with it was in this dark hole of an office and I was a nervous wreck. Of course on the verge of tears I just kept picturing how nerve racking this was going to be for my kids to come to this place? They are suppose to have their first visit on Saturday. I can not even walk them into the building. Literally Paul has to park on one side of the building and arrive 10 min. early then I pull up to the curb on the other side and drop them off at the curb? So tell me how do you teach your 3 year old not to go to strangers and then expect her to go to a complete stranger with no anxiety? I don't understand? I'm trying to stay positive about this one and have had many of you tell me that "maybe this is what Mason will need for closure" or "Paul, will only do this once or twice because he has to pay $50 an hour." I know everyone has meant well by those comments but, that does not seem to help. If he does only show for one or two visits guess what I get to start back at square one with trying to get my kids adjusted to the idea of their father abandoning them AGAIN! It has taken me 2 1/2 years to get Mason especially adjusted to the point that he is today! So I am a bit irritated with this whole thing right now! Thank you to my mom, my good friend Jenn, and Marc who talked to me last night and calmed me down and even made me laugh. You are the best! Funny how I thought when I finally had papers signed this nightmare would be over? This custody, visitation thing is Crap! Even the supervisor last night said that 4 hours for the first visit was way too long! Especially for the 3 year old who still needs a nap during that time of day? She said she was going to try and talk to Paul and see if he will drop it to 2 hours at least for the first week? So this is where we will see if he will think of the kids needs first? Ha Ha, yeah right! He is fighting over 4 hours that he feels he lost last weekend due to the process not being in place. Wants me to give up one of my weekends or a holiday so he can have his 4 hours! Ummm, HELLO? Really you are going to argue over missing 4 hours with them what about the last 2 1/2 years????

Bluffdale Days

So this weekend turned out a bit crazy but, what else is new? Friday, the kids and I went out to be in the Bluffdale City Parade with our old friends & neighbors who had a float. It was fun but, also emotional for me, I was able to see some old friends but, also realized that though I have been able to forgive and forget about somethings that took place during the past few years others have not? So that was a hard pill to swallow. So I went to my friend Jenn's house for a fun little pedicure party she was having. It was good fun to go hang out with the girls.

Saturday night was fun and interesting and of course a little bit of drama thrown in the mix? Jenn and her hubby Adam and some of Jenn's friends from CA and I went to watch our good friend J. Marc Bailey's concert. He did an amazing job. Marc and a group of us all went out to dinner it was so much fun and I had a great time getting to know some new friends.

"I'm going to Marry Christian in a Sparkly Dress"

So for my B-day I got a Camcorder mainly because I did not want to miss out on getting my kids sweet little voices on tape. This is just a little glimpse into my little bouncing spaz babies and Laken telling me about her boyfriend and that she is going to marry him in a sparkly dress. Ugh she is 3 heaven help me when she is 16!!!!!

Fragile

This week has defiantly been a strange one. Had some own personal issues to face and then some issues with some friends that have had to be dealt with. Then found out that a former co-worker and friend who is still very young had a heart attack. Then to hear about a family member of a co-worker who committed suicide so it got me thinking of how truly fragile life is. Sadly I have had to learn this lesson other times in my life as well and that is why I probably get in peoples face a little too much when we have a disagreement? I don't want to have to face those demons again of wishing I would have said "I'm sorry" and worked threw something. Only to find out I no longer have the chance to do so? So to all my friends and family I am sure that I have frustrated you all and ticked you all off probably multiple times in our relationship. I know that we never know if there will even be a tomorrow so I just wanted you all to know that I am sorry for ever causing you pain, frustration, or grief. I love you all and thank you for putting up with me!!!!!

An Amazing Friends Special Concert!

My dear friend "Yennifer" celebrated her birthday today and although today seemed to be a rollercoaster I hope she knows just how truly special she is to all of those she has blessed by way of her friendship. She is IMPOSSIBLE to try and surprise but, we tried our best and we called her good friend Marc to come and serenade her. Marc, and his friends Jeremy & Riley came and put on a fantastic little private concert for all of us at the Scrapbook Retreat. Then after the concert we all had a fantastic "therapy session" that was so much fun. Jenn, I hope you know you have truly touched so many peoples lives and you have a special gift that allows you to be able to help those who are in need of a true friend. WE LOVE YOU!!!! Marc, thank you for agreeing to come you are more than just a "piece of meat" (ha ha) you are a great guy and it will get better I promise. Yennifer stay exactly the way you are you are AMAZING!!!!

Here is just a short clip of our little private concert!!!! Thanks Marc & Jeremy!

FREEDOM

So how fitting is it that even my kids during this period of time get to experience the feeling of feeling free again. As I try to make a fresh start in my own life Mason got the chance to have one as well. Yesterday Mason was able to get his little hulk arm cast removed. Does anybody else feel jipped off about this I remember when I was a kid I had to wear those dirty stinky things for 8 weeks! He only had them for 3!!! Of course I am happy for him because otherwise it would be a long miserable summer having to stare at the pool for 8 weeks. He was so happy to feel free and know that he could now go swimming and start learning how to ride his new bike. Of course little sister had to come along for the fun and was so happy to see her brothers stinky cast gone so was MOM they stunk!!!

Stomp

Just had to say that over the weekend as a birthday celebration for my great friend Jenn and myself we went and saw STOMP which was so much fun. Then we did a tiny shopping trip and went to Dinner. It was so fun to go out and do something with my friend. She has been a great friend to me and a huge blessing in mine and my kids lives the last few years. I would probably not be where I am today if it was not for her constant love, and support to help me deal with things that I truly just did not want to deal with at the time. Besides being one of the friendliest and most giving people I know she has the best set of Green Eyes I have ever seen just ask the waiter at Tuscano's who could not get enough of them. Love ya Jenn!!!!

Am I Floating Yet?

Ever known what it was like to live years under the stress and weight of some huge boulder? I have, and today I woke up and thought I might even float away because that weight has finally been lifted off of me. I had to even run and check the papers first thing when I woke up to make sure that it was not all just a great dream? Papers you ask? YES MY DIVORCE PAPERS!!!!!!!!! AUGH!!!!! Halla-freaking-luia it is about dang time!!!! So first and foremost thank you to all of my loving friends and family who have not only struggled along with me and helped me and the kids out in so many ways but, also had to put up with my emotional roller coaster! Thank you I wish I could think of a way to re-pay all of you. I wish that I could just take everyone on a cruise or a great trip to celebrate this huge momentous occasion but, sorry can't afford it. So just know I love you all and would have not made it through this hell with out you all.

So now for the details because I have received a bunch of text messages and a bunch phone calls and I have chattered a million miles a minute since yesterday afternoon so I figure I will type it all up and you can read the great day that I had yesterday. Bare with me for the Novel but, I promise it is so much fun and so freaking Liberating!!!! OK for starters for those of you who do not know 8 weeks ago we had a hearing and the Judge told Paul that he needed to see the kids he gave him 6 weeks of reunification and then after the 6 weeks he would get standard visitation rights. After the 6 weeks we were then ordered to go to Mediation again before we went to trial, which was so suppose to happen on May 15th. So of course I fell apart thinking of the kids being scared to go with him, blah, blah, blah... Those of you who handled those tearful phone calls THANK YOU! Anyways in typical Paul style the mediation was cancelled and moved back to June 5th. And he never showed for any visitation with the kids, prayers were answered!!! Only this time around my attorney chose the mediator and it was at his office don't know but, something about being on your own turf gave me a little more confidence going into this one. So I arrive and my attorney says lets go to my office, last night Paul's attorney faxed over a settlement proposal which was pretty good except for a few things which don't you all worry I got my way and tweaked some. You have to know what HIS proposal was though because you will laugh and see just how much of an idiot the guy truly was about this whole thing. So instead of the 6 weeks reunification time that he was previously awarded he, himself wants to change that to 9 months reunification time and about 1/4 of the time hour wise????? And instead of agreeing on a supervisor for his supervised visits he wants to use the court appointed program which he has to pay 100% of and it will cost him $50 an hour!!!! So Chances of that happening are probably slim to none seeing as we all know $ is more important to him.

Now the funniest parts so then the attorney's and mediator decide to meet upstairs and kick me out I walk down stairs and Paul is sitting there on the love seat (yes there is no other place to sit but one tiny freaking little love seat, ugh!) He smiles and tells me Hi and Happy Birthday (like we are friends or something???) I slowly sit down and he then begins to try and talk to me like no big deal we are buddies now? I'm thinking HELP ME get me out of her but, you all know me I can fake it with the best of them and I of course wanted to be sweet so that I could get my way and get this thing over with. He then continues on and ask about my Grandma, Mom, Brothers, Sis-in-laws, nieces, nephews, Aunt, cousins, and even my best friends, after all of that he then says "how is Mason?" however not once did he ever ask how is daughter was never even mentioned her name??? I wonder if he even knows what her name is? Then he says "This is nice, I wish we could just sit and talk like this more often." (ewe) in typical Jen fashion I smart off with this response: "I tried to sit and talk about this you were the one that ran away." Ha Ha Ha I kill me. He just rolled his eyes and got quite. Then I said can we please just end this thing and sign some dang papers today I don't know about you but, I'm so sick and tired of this crap, I'm tired of having to pay these stupid legal fee's, how about we get this done today and you move on and live your life and I can move on and live mine? He responds with "It is not my fault that we are here." Errr you all know FIREWORKS are coming right? So I say "REEEAAALLLYYY you do not think you did any of this? You do not think you made any mistakes? He says "Yeah I know I made mistakes, we all make mistakes." I say "You are right we do all make mistakes but it is how we choose to handle and respond to those mistakes that shows us what type of person we truly are." (Have to admit I'm proud of myself for that one!) Then I sat there for a little while longer and then my favorite part yet. I looked at him and said "I need to tell you something, I am so happy." He looks all confused, I continue and say "I can honestly look at you and no longer want to rip your face off, instead I want to tell you Thank You, Thank you because I am so much better off without you!" Does anybody else hear angels singing I have to say probably one of my proudest moments of my life! It has been a long road but, I have finally truly gotten there! Luckily the Mediator walks down just then and says we are ready to go to the conference room (Whew I was saved after that little comment) then I go sit down thinking dude go sit on the other side of the table instead he walks around the table and sits next to me. Ewwww get away from me you freak!!!!

Ok so now the settlement part which still has me baffled and cracking up. Already told you the visitation thing. Then the only things he really wanted were his Guns (big shocker) idiot we have been through this how many times they are GONE sold for diapers and food right when you left??? Then he says he wants all of the shares of Eye Catchers??? Ummm hello been through this one also there is no Business. He says but, it is a good name, (laughing in my head thinking once upon a time it was before you got your hands on it!) So he fought (ha, ha,) for the business and assumed all the debts and I am held unaccountable for any of it. So I walk away with Child support Plus a back settlement of support for 9k and they tell him it will be garnished threw ORS and that because I have 2 kids they can garnish up to 50% of his wages until I have my back support. Now we just pray that he goes and lives his life and I will move on and live mine.

Now for the out of the mouths of babes funny of the story I drove from the Attorneys office and picked the kids up at school and of course was hyper and bouncing off of the walls Mason says "Mom why are so hyper today?" so I say "Because guess what Mommy finally got her divorce today." He yells "HALLELUJAH, so have you found a new husband yet?" I laugh and say "NO" he then says so you mean "I don't get a new step dad yet?" I say no buddy I have to date before I can find a new husband and he responds with "Well what are you sitting around here for then? Get out there and start dating!" Too funny that kid cracks me up!

Time Changes Things!

So I have already heard that I need to put some pictures on this thing so the only ones' I have happen to be over a year and a half old. My friend Angela took pictures for us our first Christmas that we were alone. I remember this day very clearly and remember feeling sorry for myself that we did not have Mr. Wonderful (gag) with us for a "family picture." Now I look at these pictures and how much my children have grown and think Wow how much I have truly grown as well. Now instead of feeling sorry for myself I want to stand on the rooftops and sing THANK THE LORD he was not a part of these pictures. As difficult as it was to watch my marriage fall apart and crumble I look at my childrens faces and know we are so much better off and happier without his negative influence in our home. Luckily time does truly heal all wounds.
These pictures of Laken always make me laugh she is such a little Ham and loves to play dress up. Just recently someone brought up the book "Fancy Nancy" to us and said that it reminded them of Laken. They had only seen her in church so after reading the book about a little girl who loves to play dress up and act like she is a Queen I just have to laugh because that little book could definatly be written about Laken. These pictures although they make me sad because my baby is growing up so fast they make me smile and laugh because I know the little diva that is underneath that big old hat. She brings me laughter every day I am such a lucky mother to have her in my life. The picture of Mason makes me laugh as well he has always loved the camera this picture makes me laugh because he looks like he should be in the movie "Newsies" what a bunch of little Hams I have! I am so blessed to have two amazing children who regardless of the trials they have had to endure or watch they still manage to put a smile on thier face and a smile on mine.