Follow Up to what was missing.

After my last post of going off about losing friends through the divorce process I have been thinking alot about why that happens? I have a mother who lost several friends although she is the one who did nothing wrong in the marriage, yet jackass of a cheating father still gets to keep those friends? Other people I know have had the same problems women are frowned upon as if we did something wrong? Or maybe they think we may try and take there husband? NEWS FLASH LADIES sorry but, after going through a hellish marriage and ordeal the last thing in the world that we want at that moment is another Man. Someday I hope to figure out why it is that I lost such amazing friends through the process and why in the church people look at you like you did something wrong? When a majority of the time it was the Man who committed the sin. Oh well just another question I will have to ask the lord when I make it up there someday but, in the meantime if anybody reads this don't Judge others until you know what really was going on in there life. The old saying "Walk a mile in there shoes." trust me you don't want to walk in my old shoes.

Trying to figure out what is missing?

Over the weekend I spent an entire day cleaning out the craft room/what use to be Grandma Bullard's sewing room so I found alot of great finds as far as buttons,etc from her stuff. But, I also found all the paperwork,or evidence of the X craziness. Along with that I found piles of pictures the one's including him I could care less about it was the pictures of my old friends and old neighborhood that stung the most. The next day we had a baby blessing of my newest Great Niece (Mike & Mel's) #3 Grace Elizabeth she is so beautiful and yes I will admit I have been extremely baby hungry the past few months, but that is not even an option so I have to suck it up and deal with it but, it is fun that I get to hold newborn babies and play with all my little "Greats" I can't believe there are 5 of them already? Anyways on our way home from Provo Mason asked if we could drive past our old house in Lehi, He wanted to show it to Laken really bad, he had seen some of the pictures with me the previous day. As we drove through the neighborhood, Church was just getting out and Mason screams there is Michelle turn around lets go see them. I don't know why but, I said No I just couldn't do it? I have wracked my brain as to why I would not want to stop and see her and her family? And all I can come up with is that I didn't just loose a psycho husband I ended up losing a best friend, I lost my lifestyle, and I guess I felt like her family had already put up with so much drama from helping me get through those years of hell I guess I feel like I was doing them a favor by completely staying away from them so they too had no reminders of those horrific times? In the meantime I don't miss being married I just miss my old life I miss hanging out in a neighborhood of young families where the mom's would sit and visit and the kids all loved to play with each other. I miss seeing the smile and laughter on my kids faces as they raced around on their power wheel jeeps together. I wish somebody before he made the choices he made would have thought of all the things that he took away from his kids. :(

Spring Time

I realized that I have not taken my kids to do a photo shoot since last August. So we attempted to do it this past Saturday. However a snow storm was on it's way so I knew we had to act fast before it arrived. We started doing pictures and man was the wind horrible most of the pictures did not turn out real great due to flying hair or dirt in the eye's but a few are ok. So here are the most recent pictures of my kids who are growing up so fast. :(

This one is probably one of my favorites because they were grouchy so I told them to turn and stare at each other instead they both started to giggle.

School Dress Up Day!

My kids did it again, the last minute "Mom we are suppose to dress up as our favorite character from a book. Laken of course wanted to be Fancy Nancy she truly believes she is Fancy Nancy on most days and I'm just throwing it out there should Fancy Nancy ever be made into a movie Cast my little Diva she has them all memorized, red hair, and the little attitude and most of the french words out of the books down. So here are pics of my Fancy Nancy who had to have Butterfly clips for her hair and everything.
Mason wanted big black wings to go with some Character out of Fablehaven series. I laughed when he told me wings and said do you think I can figure out how to make wings? He said "yes you can figure out how to do anything". Just to be clear the kid has mastered the art of manipulation. So of course I don't want to be the mom who sends her kid to school and they are the only one without a costume so I stayed up until almost midnight and made stinking wings! The next morning Mason insisted that the character would probably wear a Faux Hawk so we had to do massive hair duty with both kids, curlers for Laken and a Faux Hawk for Mason.


I love that Laken was happy to have her picture taken yet, Mason as you can tell was giving me the evil eye like "Mom you are so lame." Darn right I am I have blisters from a hot glue gun all over my fingers and stayed up way too late to make sure you had that look! But, of course the best part of it all was when I dropped the kids off at school and we only saw 3 other kids dressed up. It was at that moment that I wanted to beat them, not really but, you know what I mean. Seriously why do I even bother sometimes?

Life is Changing

This book was written by one of my bosses and I'm not trying to give him a plug or suck up in anyway but, I just have to share this AMAZING book with everyone. I honestly stayed up an entire night and read the entire thing. I then cried my eye's out for several hours because Matt Baldwin released this books Month's prior but, I never found the time to read it. Until a lot of stuff was going on and I was in a funk and very sick so needed a book to read and figured what the heck? So I started to read it. I can't even begin to put into words what this book has done for me but, it has changed my life. It has changed the way I look at things it has also made me realize how important certain people in my life are. It has made me even decide to go back to school. Scary thought I know and I'm trying to figure out how to fit it all in but, somehow I will, hopefully if I am able to get a grant to afford it. Deciding what I want to be when I grow up is another story. I sat and told my Bishop about this book and his comment to me was there is a reason you did not read it before now you were not ready to take away the message that is given in the book.

I believe he is right because back in November one of my best friends Mary "Moo" committed suicide I have had a hard time dealing with it
There is a portion in this book that talks about death and losing a friend and how we communicate with others, I have felt very guilty because I felt like I should have called her or something when she popped into my head and I didn't. However another good friend told me "Jen even if you had and she still made that choice you would hurt worse because I know you and you would think you said something to upset her. The Lord was trying to protect you as well." After reading "Snow Rising" I truly can say that I look at the way that I speak to people and to my kids differently. I know the Author and his wife very well and have watched his practices in person and can tell you that he is by far one of the most amazing men I have ever met. I joke with him because I took my current job thinking it would restore my faith in men and it did the opposite, all except for Matt and his amazing wife Val I have said if I could have a relationship like they do I would consider marriage again. If you haven't read this book do so I promise it will make you re-think somethings.

To my dear friend Mary Moo may you finally find peace and know that I love and miss you on a daily basis and you will never be forgotten. Love you!

Birthday's

Time for a fresh start in trying to keep up with this blog thing. Life has flown by Laken has already turned 6 where did the time go? This is the year that I promised the kids a friend party. Laken, decided to have a Ladybug Bash that we had up at Red Butte Garden it was alot of the fun and the kids loved it. It was something new and different than they had ever done for a party. Which was pleasing to me, the non stop migraine in my head could not stomach the idea of dealing with 12 screaming kids at the house or 1,000 of screaming kids at Classic Rollerskating where the other million parties are at. So quiet Red Butte Garden was a great find.

Mason wants a big party as well and due to health concerns and time lost at work it is turning into a tighter budget for his upcoming birthday. So luckily I have sold him on the idea of having an Amazing Race Birthday party so now the brainstorming begins for that.

Stay tuned for fun party pics to come.

Grandma Bullard

So this is almost 2 years old but, I'm playing catch up with post saved in my drafts.

My last surviving Grandma past away early Wed. morning. I'm so happy for her that she is now free of pain, and she is with her husband again that she has been widowed from for 40 years! Of course even knowing this day will come and the best laid plans still don't fully prepare you for this moment. We will all miss Grandma Bullard but, are happy to know there is a huge reunion going on in heaven right now. I know the last 3 years have been hard on many people in the family. I personally am so grateful for the past few years with Grandma B. It has been no secret that Grandma and I have had our issues. And I will admitt that I have had a chip on my shoulder in regards to some hurtful things that were said most of my life. But, 3 years ago in the midst of a horrible time of my divorce Grandma called me and said "I wish there was something I could do to help, and I financially can not afford to help you so the only thing that I can think of doing to help you out, is for me to move out so that you and the kids can move in here with your mother." I was stunned and have felt guilty over her giving up her place in her home so that my kids and I would have a roof over their heads. The last 3 year It is no seceret that Grandma and I had our battles and I have had alot of guilt about her giving up her home for me. In the process however I am so thankful for the past 3 years if for nothing else for my mother. As long as I can remember my mother has been compared to her little sister who was the "Golden Child" After years and years of being told you are not perfect but someone else is, it was an eye opening experience to Grandma to actually live with someone so perfect so suddenly now finally my mother got some compliments that have been well deserved and needed for over 60 years. So I have decided that I will deal with the guilt that I have about Grandma because it makes me so happy to know that before my Grandma passed she finally truly showed her love to my mother. For that I love her and I will miss her but know she is in a better place.